Sometimes I try to tackle difficult issues head on on my page and this morning I want to look at shyness or inhibition. I have never posted my own natal chart online before but I do it today to illustrate a point. I am painfully shy and inhibited and have been as long as I can remember. I hide behind my work and the computer keyboard and through the way I write you can see my true character, but if you were to meet me in person and get to know me, you would realise that I have a lot of personal issues. I hope by sharing some, I can hopefully try to get over a condition that has plagued me and held me back for years on end.
Shyness comes from fear, fear of oneself, I also think it has something to do with the way your brain is wired. If you are shy, you get very self-conscious, sensitive to criticism and this can lead to two outcomes. Either you sit in the corner and hide away or because of trying to overcompensate too much for your lack of social skills you become outspoken, clumsy and awkward. I have suffered all my life with both. When I am out I literally cannot let go and make a fool of myself. It affects my friendships, relationships, work, intimacy so many things. Let me tell you, being a guy who is inhibited and shy is a real curse and a real turn off with women too. Those of us with shyness cannot or find it incredibly difficult to initiate relationships of all kinds. I know it all too well.
To the Astrology and my own chart. I was born just to the west of London on 2nd August 1967 at 11.40 am. Immediately you'll see that I am a sun sign Leo conjunct to Jupiter sitting in the public 10th house. I have a sociable Libran Ascendant and a chatty Gemini Moon. On that basis, how on earth can I be anything other than outgoing? There is a reason that I am. The placement of Saturn on my chart.
Saturn is the planet in fear and in my chart it sits in detriment in Aries directly opposite to my Ascendant. That Saturn let me tell you is a killer as it puts fear into myself (Ascendant) and into my relationships (Descendant). It forms an inconjunct aspect to my natal Venus in the 11th house of friends, my chart ruler so here is an awkwardness that I suffer from, difficult things happen to me that mean that I am always having to adjust, nothing is straight forward in regard to myself (Venus rules Ascendant), my friends and groups (11th house). I feel fear with friends and groups and also with intimacy and sexual matters too (Venus rules 8th house). I am being straight and honest here, coming out with my problems in a most open manner.
You'll also see that Saturn squares my Midheaven, the point of career on my chart and my natal Mercury, the way my mind works. Saturn makes me work very hard for anything that I achieve in a professional manner through the connection to the Midheaven, easy solutions don't come my way. More pertinently, the square to my natal Mercury is really difficult as it affects the way I think. I can be harshly critical of others and also harshly critical of myself. It does give me a matter of fact way of seeing the world, but in public situations (10th house Mercury) and in those important one to one moments, I can never say or rarely do the right thing, I truly fear saying what I really think. I suppose that I am fortunate that don't have Mercury retrograde or in the more timid and fearful signs of Virgo or Capricorn, otherwise I would be a hermit who never came out to face the world.
All this over the years have combined to make me a very sheltered person, someone who has trouble in letting go, in showing my emotions, in really living a fulfilling life. I get so frustrated, as I want to let go and to live the way others do, but I am terrified of showing myself up, of looking like an idiot. Saturn is a stern voice inside my head admonishing me, blocking me, telling me "No you can't."
If ever in Astrology you see Saturn affecting the Sun, the Ascendant or any of the other personal planets you'll know that some inhibition does lie within the personality and it will need someone or something to bring that shyness out. I always think that in time (Saturn rules the concept of time) one will eventually get over some of the things that hold you back, but you may need help of others, especially if the 1st, 5th, 7th, 8th, 10th or 11th houses are involved.
Are you shy, timid or suffer from inhibition like I do? Would you like to share your experiences with me. Remember, a problem shared can be a problem halved. Get in touch and let me know. Come out and start to let those fears start to go... :)
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I have suffered from extreme shyness most of my childhood. Then I slowly started to liberate a bit. I still feel uneasy in big groups and I prefer to be low-key in such situations. I am far more natural in one-on-one situations or with small groups. I abhor being in the center of the attention, and I'm a Leo rising. My Chiron is in Leo too. In the last two years, my shyness came back. I avoided classes where I had to speak publicly and I study languages and interpreting. The possibility of making a fool of myself is just too much for me, even though if it happened I would bounce back rather quickly. I know this as I've seen many of my Saturn fears come true, dozens of times.
ReplyDeleteI don't have Saturn aspecting my Sun, Moon or AC by degree only by sign. By sign it's opposite the AC and trine the Sun and Moon. I feel Saturn very strongly in me. In fact everyone notices it. But it's not particularly potent in my chart.
Hi Saskia, thanks for replying. If Chiron is in your 1st house then that personal pain and wounded pride may well be down to a painful early childhood experience. I see Chiron causing these so often and they cause trouble in one's adult life. The group thing may be down to the ruler of your 11th house being compromised. Is Saturn in your 11th house or a personal planet moving retrograde perhaps? Thanks for writing back...
DeleteLike you, I'm a Leo Sun with Gemini Moon, plus a gregarious Sag Ascendant. You might see me with a lampshade on my head at parties, but what most don't see is what happens the next day, when I have to take to the couch and hide from the world to recover. Powerful Saturn in Capricorn, conjunct Jupiter, ruler of my Ascendant. I hear you. :) Thanks for sharing your chart and your story!
ReplyDeleteMy son, with half his planets in Scorpio, was also very shy until Pluto conjuncted his Descendant and opposed his Ascendant. Then he came up from the underworld, and has been a different person ever since. Pluto can bring a lot of personal power, as you know. I see that Pluto will begin to transform your most personal, private nature (4H) soon, and my hope for you is that the gift will be a feeling of deep power that helps you release whatever inhibitions trouble you.
ReplyDeleteYour Jupiter-Sun conjunction in the 10H is a wonderful signature and placement, in my opinion, reflecting your benevolent desire to expand others' awareness, publicly (online), and this is lovely conjunction is trined by Saturn, so I think maybe in time (Saturn works slowly, as you mentioned), Saturn might truly prove itself to be your friend.
The Venus-Pluto conjunction in your 11H: always a challenge, as the world is full of shallow people and you need persons of depth in your life. These are rare, but perhaps Pluto moving into your 4H will usher in just the right Plutonian or two that you can trust. Behind closed doors, of course.
A very good book by a very shy and famous Jungian psychologist is "Balancing Heaven and Earth" by Robert Johnson. I think you might love it.
Thanks for the very good website. I have only just discovered it.
Cynthia from USA
Thank you for sharing your personal story , Paul..
ReplyDeleteI too was very shy in my youth,painfully so. Later in my teen years I did come out of my shell , however that was the same time much of my manic behavior began. Life is a catch 22 I suppose, no way to win it all at one time..
I hope through sharing it gives you a bit of relief as does knowing many others have suffered similarly.
Great topic!
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about whether you are feeling the Pluto/Uranus square affecting your Saturn/Mercury square.
I have that square exact H9 (Saturn) and H12 (Mercury) ... I was born a little less than two weeks before you. I have a 12th house Cancer Sun opposite Cap Moon, with a bizarre Leo/Jupiter rising trine the Saturn. I could go on and on about the shyness.
It's hit and miss, for me ... depending on where the moon is, or what else is being activated. I've mostly learned to follow my instincts. They are pretty keen. I take advantage of the moments when I feel less shy, and grab my shit and out I go. I smile a lot. Conversations can be difficult. The tongue tangles. (Or sometimes it feels like the several tongues tangle.)
I like the idea of the Great Liberation ... which is what I call the Pluto/Uranus effect on the Saturn/Mercury square. I've worked very very hard over the past few years to pull in other energies ... like a counter-play. Up to *that* again? Oh no you don't!
BUT ... the 12th house is gonna be what's it's gonna be sometimes. And I have other things, too, that are damned annoying -- Venus/Saturn inconjunct, Mars/Chiron inconjunct, for example. None of those things make for ease, that's for certain.
I will say, though, that I ALWAYS remind myself that Mercury is perception. And I put in a lot of effort re: course-correcting those Saturn-drugged perceptions.
Thanks for sharing this. And best wishes.